Alright maybe I wasn’t quite done, there’s been an entire year between when we finished and when I actually finished writing these blogs. Somethings might have changed, we might have moved on with our lives over the past year, so perhaps the best way to finish off this blog is with an epilogue – A summary of where some of the characters are now. Note: I have no idea what most of these people have been up to in the past year, so I shall be using artistic licence to fill in the blanks and gaps with whatever I make up.
Epilogue - Where Are They Now?
Myself:
Over the past year I have graduated university and as of last week began a whole new life as a professional adult. In between doing some minimal work for university I pieced together the best nuggets of our footage into a mildly entertaining half hour of video, a video which continues to entertain dozens of people per day. Once that was done I ignored the blog until I felt obliged to finish it off. I still get late night phone calls from adventure. Mostly they’re just the creepy sound of heavy breathing but once in a while a suggestion is made, such as “Yo Stephen, why don’t you go check out what South Korea and Japan are up to. I bet they’ve got some good weird shit over there”. Oh adventure, you know me so well.
Now that I’m a working man I might even be able to scrape together enough queen’s faces to make a triumphant return to the world.
It was weird the first night back home, not having Chris sleeping in the same room, but after an entire year I can safely say I have gotten used to it. Well alright, actually I got used to it after a night. We couldn’t go stand the cold turkey method of separation, so the day after we returned home Chris came round to help empty the car and clean the inside with a healthy dose of fire extinguisher. I haven’t seen him since, shortly after that I returned to university and Chris moved to Northern Ireland with his girlfriend. Last I heard Chris had got a job at a high street travel agents but I’ve yet to hear if he has booked anyone a holiday to the ‘stans without telling them – I think we all know they would enjoy it better than the boring Greek islands.
Chris:
Our glorious car and I parted ways on the 20th of October 2014, I returned her to her rightful owners at SMA - she had been leaking petrol and oil in my parents’ garage for too long. Chris was already in Northern Ireland by that point so it was another sad lonely trip to Livingstone with the car. I told the car we were going to the park but I think she knew the truth. I could tell because she was shaking out of fear, fear and a dodgy wheel mounting. The future was uncertain, depending on the level of damage SMA might repair her or used for medical experiments at the local mechanic’s collage. The last I heard our magnificent adventure-mobile, within which we had conquered half the world, was sat in a sorry state gathering rust on SMA’s forecourt. She had taken a beating on the rally and had valiantly continued pushing forward no matter what, but her future came down to a simple fact – we had done damage beyond repair and SMA wouldn’t be able to finance her repairs.
The Car:
-
Coated with a thick layer of dust, mud, grime, extinguisher and sun cream.
-
Bruised and broken body panels
-
Long crack in windscreen
-
Thermodegraded breaks
-
Back seats discarded
-
Smashed fog lights
-
Boot lid attached with duct tape
-
Horn all honked out
-
Electrics dodgified
-
Flat tyre replaced, spare donated to roadside.
-
Leaking oil from various mechanical orifices
-
Petrol leaking from petrol tank
-
Roof-box forcibly removed and converted into desert sledge
-
Sump guard cyclically torn off and reattached
-
Large gap where exhaust pipe used to exist
-
Worryingly dented sump and chassis
-
Miss-firing engine cylinder held together with duct tape
-
Suspension broken, shoddily replaced, and attached with spare pieces of metal.
-
Cracked fuel pump held together with glue, wire and cable ties.
-
Severely cracked front wheel arm
Upon finishing the rally in Ulaanbaatar the aussies went their separate ways. Adam and Wangers continued travelling for another month, while Sharkey went home to revolutionise the Australian mechanic industry with his improved knowledge of how to not fix cars. Adam went back to day to day life and enjoys what little of it he has left thanks to the extinguisher chemicals which fill his lungs. After a month of looking at gibbons, Wanger returned to Australia where he was put under psychiatric care for PTSD - he regularly has traumatic flash backs to the cold and dark Pamir mountain ranges. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we all wish him a speedy recovery.
Khan Touch This:
The Mongoliers remained in Ulaanbaatar for a few days after our departure and continued to gather up as many stories from sketchy massage parlours as is recommended for 3 Geordies, after which they returned home and vowed never to visit another massage parlour. Jamie has been attending Sandhurst where he has been training to become a real-life action man but continues to mistake cooking equipment for armour. Rob returned to Cambridge but promptly dropped out to pursue his one true passion and founded a website devoted to erotic Mumford and Sons fan fiction. Once Matt got a taste for it there truly was no stopping the monster dwelling inside. Matt is currently wanted in connection to a series of brutal attempted murders in the North-east of the UK. If you see him be warned that he is likely to be armed with a collection of fire extinguishers and is very dangerous.
The League of Extraordinary Mongoliers:
Upon delivering the vodka to Mrs. Fan we were told of how hopeful she was for her son’s new venture. Miles decided to leave behind academic study at Cambridge University to write, direct and star in a one man production of Frozen: The Musical. Against all odds the musical became a critical and financial success and has propelled Miles into stardom. In August of this year the musical toured the eastern hemi-sphere including a brief run in Sydney Opera House. While in Australia Miles met up with Khan Touch This and shared tales of broadway. James continued to follow the athletic teachings of his idol Forrest Gump, and gathered quite the media attention when he ran for ran three years, two months, fourteen days and sixteen hours because he just felt like running. That’s right James ran so fast he ran for three years in just one year, but much to the disappointment of his followers he got pretty tired and thought he would go home now.
The Lion Rampant:
For the best part of a year this blog sat untouched, until I finally finished it with this sentence.
The Blog: